Horus Cat Art Film

3D Girl, Ho!

Angel in Hell

Cats See Things We Can't See

Big Bird EVICTED!

Teen Angel Secret Diary

Theories on standup comedy

I am not nor have I ever been a standup comedian. But since I've worked with a number of comediennes over the years, I've been forced to endure more standup than I would have liked to. There are two basic approaches among the many that I would like to single out for criticism here in this blog. Now the point of both of my blogs is to write about stuff I really LIKE, so this entry doesn't fit either one. That also explains why there are so few entries in either blog, I have a hard time not being judgmental. I listen to Eckhart Tolle and Deepak Chopra mp3's telling me not to be judgmental every single day, yet still find it hard to be an artist without theories, or to have theories without separating the wheat from the chaff and making a definitive decision on what works and doesn't work for me.

Okay, the two approaches to standup I have the hardest time with are sort of inverse versions of each other.

The first is the kind most used by hosts of shows. I get the sense these are all guys who think they should be more successful than they are, and they're angry at everyone because of it. If they could draw, they'd have become cartoonists so they could sit at home and make fun of everybody in private, but since they have no talent whatsoever, they decide instead to go into standup "comedy." They come unprepared for their own gigs, walk out and grab the mike like an alpha male chimp, then glare around the room looking for people who are different to make fun of. This guy will come up with cute nicknames for each of the people in the crowd. The idea is to hope that the tourists in the audience are too stupid or drunk to realize that he really means the insult and he actually does despise you and only want your beer money and for you to tip the bartenders.

The other approach I have zero respect for is the ass-kissing inverse of this-- the guy who comes unprepared, stares around the audience, tries to read the minds of the audience, and tries to tell jokes that would appeal to that "type" of person. This inevitably reveals more about the "comedian"'s personal prejudices than anything else. Oh it's a mostly female crowd! I'll do tampon jokes. Black people on the side there, I'm gonna talk about how great Obama is! At one show, a guy saw a Chinese friend of mine in the audience and asked her, "Hey where are you from? Japan? Korea?" Then was surprised when she seemed unhappy at the prospects of playing along with him any further. To me, these guys think they're chameleons, they think they're David Bowie falling to earth from another planet and they will be all things to all people. But instead, we get to see each of their prejudices MAGNIFIED 100X and we have to wipe their slobber off our asses, which does not endear them to us.

Then they'll leave the stage cursing at us and calling us a tough crowd, but JEEBUS.

In a vague pathetic attempt to put something positive into this theory rant, I will say that two approaches I like in standup are the experimental approach like Andy Kaufman or Angel Yau, and the visionary messiah approach like George Carlin, Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks, Sam Kinnison, etc. and so on.

In general though I have to say I think improv is a superior comedy medium, even though improv comedians look and act more like each other than gay men. And they're all equally as funny as each other hahaha just kidding. The girls are almost always funnier than the boys but the boys get all the good writing jobs on TV shows.

OK I've refused to do standup or improv EVER and my theories and comments should be taken with that in mind-- I'm criticizing from the audience, not from on stage.

Zombie Brains

Chaney Frankenstein!

Real Swamp Creature!

Lady Werewoof!!!

Frankie 1

Dead Body Parts

The Red Death

Angel is Spooky!!!!!!!!

Mermaid will make a special appearance tomorrow (Saturday) so that Angel can premiere her spook-a-riffic entry TODAY!!

Hunting the Silencers with Mr. Creepo

John A. Keel coined the term "Men In Black" but Will Smith got a job out of it. Timothy Green Beckley (a/k/a Mr. Creepo) is the only person to ever take a photograph of a MIB, and he aims to cash in on it himself on the UFO Hunters show on History Channel in a few days.

Read more:
http://www.ufodigest.com/news/1009/ufo-hunters.php

Larry Buchanan Thursday

Back by underwhelming lack of demand!

Man-Eating Plant!

Coming Soon-- Angel Yau Halloween Special!

ANGEL YAU in a VERY SCARY PLACE!!!

The Super Swedish Genius!

Ghost Hunt Haunt!

Blurry Mummies

My scanner is broken so here are blurry mummy drawings I did taken with my crappy digital camera! Hooray!

Halloween, Voiceguy Style

I recently made this groovy thing for the Voiceguy web site-- we created a vintage 1963 horror album and an entire advertising campaign from back then as well, then blamed it all on John's eccentric Uncle Zach. I love creating real fake things from the past.

Anyway, one person I sent the link to for the Halloween thingie told me there was so much stuff to look at, they forgot to actually listen to the horror album. So if that's the only part you're interested in, here is a direct link to the audio:


SIDE ONE: The Boring Instructions: http://www.voiceguy.org/halloween/SIDEONEWEB.mp3
SIDE TWO: The Spooky Story (featuring Julia and Hayley Beach): http://www.voiceguy.org/halloween/SIDETWOWEB02.mp3

Special thanks go to the SCAR STUFF blog, which is where I got to finally listen to all those old Halloween records I used to see advertised in comic books and Famous Monsters magazine when I was a kid. I also downloaded much of the original art I messed with from there as well. That site comes highly recommended.

Vampire!

Creature of Destruction!

Mermaid!

Satan vs. Kojak

The Giant Leeches!

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Coming Soon

A mermaid needs a large booty.

The MANster!!!!!

Nosferatu!

Delay of the Undead

This morning's episode is delayed because YouTube is doing this thing again where it's glitching and disallowing me to put google ads on it. It's extremely annoying and I haven't figured it out yet. So I'm trying to upload it again now.

In the meantime, there's a version of it on my site if you want to see it now:
http://209show.com/halloween/ep04nosferatu01web.wmv
You'd need Windows Media Player to watch that, and it's a huge file, over 100 mb, so you need to download it to your hard drive first before watching, don't try to stream it.

Zontar = Mothman?

There does seem to be a family resemblance...

Halloween Music Themes

Don't know if this is interesting to anybody, but I use three variations on the theme music for the Halloween videos.

1. The instrumental loop:
http://209show.com/halloween/halloweenloopinstr.mp3

2. The Liam loop, with Checker Phil as Liam Leprechaun:
http://209show.com/halloween/halloweenloopliam.mp3

and
3. The Famous Monsters loop:
http://209show.com/halloween/halloweenloopmonsters.mp3

Theremin by Dino Sorbello
Music by Belly Brain Copyright © 2009 Peter Bernard

Space alien!

Bigfoot!

The Halloween Countdown Begins Soon!

Countdown to Halloween

Today's I am happy to present the Peter's Choice Award to "Countdown to Halloween!"
http://www.countdowntohalloween.com/

The Quotations

Art by Malcolm Smith

Today's Peter's Choice Award goes to The Quotations from East Brooklyn, New York!

Charles Fort

Charles Fort was the craziest white man to come from the Bronx until I came along.
I probably am his reincarnation.

Everyone should at least TRY to read his surviving books. the ones he didn't destroy when he got pissed.

Two of his more famous quotes are, "One measures a circle beginning at any point," and "We are property." If you want to understand the context of those two assertions, I heartily endorse you doing your own further research.

There have been a number of Fortean organizations over the years, and in England there is the magazine The Fortean Times, but Fort himself loathed the original Fortean Society and probably would not have enjoyed much that has been done in his name since his death either.

Charles Fort rules like Ozzy!!!

Steve Guttenberg

Today's Peter's Choice Award goes to Steve Guttenberg because he is part of the secret conspiracy that runs the planet.

Wilhelm Homberg

Today's Peter's Choice Award goes to Wilhelm Homberg! Hooray!

Jane Hamsher

Today's Peter's Choice Award goes to Jane Hamsher.

John Beach Voiceguy

There's something to be said for loyalty, it is the hardest thing to find in life. John has a lot of talent and a lot of famous clients, but really I'm writing about him today because he is loyal.

Today's winner of the Peter's Choice Award is John Beach Voiceguy.

Robert Novak

Today I grant the Peter's Choice Award to Robert Novak to thank him for going away.

Howard Dean

Howard Dean says there will be primary challenges for Democrats who do not vote for the public option, and for this, he receives today's Peter's Choice Award.

YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHH!

Horus and Angel Part the Second

The Inventor of Google

Today's Peter's Choice Award goes to the inventor of Google!

Henrey is still winning

Today is a cool day, only in the 70s. Today is a day to sit in the window and look out with Henrey Cat. That's Henrey's favorite thing to do in the world (besides sleep). Henrey is still winning the Peter's Choice Award today.

Henrey Lee LuCat

Here come your man.

Hank.

The first hombre requiring two days to get his Peter's Choice Award.

"Classy" Freddie Blassie

Today the Peter's Choice Award goes to the King of Men, Fred Blassie.

Ellen Goldensohn

Ellen was the editor of Natural History magazine back when it used to be done inside the Museum and I used to work on it part-time. We've stayed friends, I guess because she likes liberals. Her husband was a Communist union leader back in the day.

Ellen has an adopted son who has developmental disabilities, and I draw with him, which I guess seems to help him. Mostly, we like hanging out, the drawing is almost secondary. Ellen's giant cat is named Baby and when I leave her place, I'm covered in Baby hair each time. He's desperate for love, cannot get enough, and he cries like a little kitten with a squeaky voice. I think he thinks he's still a kitten.

Ellen's apartment is one she moved into in the 1970's as the band Sha Na Na were moving out! They had just gotten their TV gig, but up till then they all shared this place. It's pretty big, with lots of smallish rooms. Apparently, Sha Na Na themselves built some of the walls, to make larger rooms into smaller ones and provide them with more privacy while they bunked together.

Recently, Ellen's been busy at the hospital because her nephew had an accident in Central Park that made the papers. So it seems like a good enough time to give Ellen today's Peter's Choice Award.

Horus Cat

Horus Cat is nervous because he's moving soon and he doesn't know what's happening. I'm giving him the Peter's Choice Award for today in order to help him buck up and be brave till he's settled into the new place.

George Tabb

Everyone in New York knows and likes George Tabb, formerly of the punk rock band FURIOUS GEORGE. He's also respected as a writer for Maximum Rock'n'Roll, Punk Magazine, and New York Press. He was best man at Dee Dee Ramone's second wedding. And he's one of the only oldschool punk rock guys I think is cool. I'm extremely judgmental-- accent on the "mental" -- when it comes to musicians having integrity-- if I like George it means he has integrity.

George was living right by the World Trade Center on 9/11 and he was lied to by Christine Todd Whitman and the Bush administration and told the air was safe when it wasn't. Since then, he's had serious health problems and in fact needs to go in for another operation NEXT WEEK. The government won't give him any aid because OFFICIALLY there is no such thing as a 9/11-related illness. Whitman and Bush said the air was safe, and they were the government at the time, so therefore money can't be given to pay for treatment for illnesses that can't legally be occurring.

George needs your help. He's tried every angle. Welfare turned him down! We have billions for Goldman Sachs but 9/11 sufferers have to fend for themselves? I THOUGHT WE VOTED THE REPUBLICANS OUT OF POWER! George has no place left to turn-- he needs YOU. To find out more information, go here:
http://www.myspace.com/helpgeorgetabb

For surviving 9/11 and for being a force for good in the world, George Tabb wins today's Peter's Choice Award.

Porta-Trace

Today's Peter's Choice Award goes to Gagne Inc., makers of the Porta-Trace!

Today's award goes to...

Today's award goes to Rachel Trachtenburg because she was considerate of me yesterday even though she's a high-falutin' professional model now and doesn't have to give a crap about me any more. Rachel takes the "professional" part seriously though, so this dubious "honor" goes to her for today. I hope she and her friends kill on the Checker Phil Show later today. ZOMG!

ADDENDUM 12:15 PM: Rachel just called and hired me to draw a cartoon picture of her new band. It pays to kiss butt in this business! Haha just kidding-- NOTHING pays in this "business."

Social Services

Today the Peter's Choice Award goes to Social Services provided to the poor. There aren't enough of them and they aren't budgeted as highly as they need to be, because we need to fight pointless wars and "bail out" rich people.

Melky

Today's Peter's Choice Award goes to Melky Cabrera for being the first Yankee to hit for the cycle since Tony Fernandez in 1995.

The next year, in 1996, Fernandez was replaced by Derek Jeter, so I hope it brings better luck to Melky than it did to Tony.

Reverend Ike

Photo: United Press International
Reverend Ike, the evil con man who bilked millions out of the poor to support his extravagant lifestyle, has finally died. And for doing us the favor of dying, I am giving him today's Peter's Choice Award.

He used to go on either the Mike Douglas Show or else Merv Griffin (I confuse them) and brag about his money. He'd brag about his expensive clothes and rings and cars. Then he'd tell the audience to forget about the afterlife and forget about Heaven, that they should be completely materialistic and greedy right now. He used his money to buy the Loews 175th Street theater and make it his church (the Upright Citizens Brigade once shot one of their episodes inside it). He excused his evil behavior by encouraging his followers to be as disgusting as he was. “If it’s that difficult for a rich man to get into heaven, think how terrible it must be for a poor man to get in. He doesn’t even have a bribe for the gatekeeper.”

I'm happily envisioning Reverend Ike at the gates of Heaven trying to offer a bribe right now and having the trap door opened underneath him like in an old Warner Brothers cartoon. Enjoy death, you materialist bastard.

Dino Sorbello in the Heart of the Sun

Today, Dino wins the Peter's Choice Award for showing me the above movie-- DOPPELGANGER or Journey to the Far Side of the Sun. It was one of the weirdest and slowest movies I ever saw in my life. Gerry "Thunderbirds" Anderson produced it and the miniatures were excellent. More money spent on this than Thunderbirds. But the story was so COMPLETELY NONSENSICAL AND IMPOSSIBLE. Sort of like one of those Star Trek episodes where they go to the planet of the Nazis or the planet of the Religious Cultists or the planet of the Native Americans. Amazingly, Rod Serling wrote this story years earlier, or almost this story, for a Twilight Zone episode-- and then another writer sued Serling, saying he'd stolen the idea from him! So Serling paid the other writer off to call it even. It's sort of like people arguing over who created "Poochie."

It's the kind of thing that kids would like though, and it LOOKS AMAZING all the way through. The sets are all great to look at and seem like they might have been fun to shoot in. Herbert Lom had a small part!

So thanks, Dino, you can pick up your award when you're back from Hawaii, which, as all birthers know, is NOT part of America.

ABOVE: Dino shooting Tony Clifton in Times Square

Angel Yau

Today's Peter's Choice Award goes to the lovely and talented ANGEL YAU, who just today has moved out of her parent's home into the arms of love.

Much happiness Angel, I'll have the award shipped to your new address.

Uncle Bob Martin

One of the people I have the greatest difficulty saying nice things about is Uncle Bob Martin. His picture is in the dictionary under "curmudgeon" and he's as bad a troublemaker as Pauly's Grand Dad in "Hard Day's Night."

I'm trying to think of something nice to say about him. Bob used to hit on my girlfriend right in front of me when I was 19 or 20, so that's strike one. Bob is the reason I met Nick Zedd when I was a teenager, so that's strike two. Ummm... Well he DID create Fangoria, that's ball one. Hmmm... and he is nice to cats. Count is even at 2.

Anyway, Bob is waiting to hear if the test comes back benign or malignant, so he wins the award for following doctor's orders and not eating solid food till tonight. If he goes back on that, though, I might withdraw the award and give it to Angel, since Angel deserves daily awards anyway.

Get better, you old monster.

Checker Phil gets an award

ABOVE (Right to left): Rachel Trachtenburg, Checker Phil Dejean, and some evil foreigner.

The main reason I decided to do this new blog, writing about one thing or person I am happy with each day, is that Checker Phil really rudely told me that I'm negative about everything. He LITERALLY said that, as though I were a cartoon character written by an extremely poor writer.

So fuck you, Checker Phil, you get a Peter's Choice Award for today, whether you like it or not! Here's some positivity for you, and you know where you can stick it!!!

haha

The First Peter's Choice Award goes to...

Years before I met him, when I was 12 years old and reading his books about monsters, John A. Keel taught me the lesson that I had no choice but to be agnostic. If I were not agnostic but remained interested in the kinds of things Keel wrote about, I would end up insane and possibly leading a lunatic cult. The only way to make sure you're sane is to never start BELIEVING any theories. View it all as percentage-chance of reality and play it like poker or baseball-- either playing the odds or going with a gut instinct. Keep reassessing the evidence to see what the CURRENT chances of the various theories being "true" might be.

Since then, I've been thrust into situations dealing with many spooky-weird individuals. One thing I've learned is that anyone who starts telling you that you're paranoid is trying to get you to let your guard down so they can trick you. As long as you maintain strict agnosticism, then this is a 100% reliable prediction.

So Keel's revelation to me at the age of 12 is probably the most important lesson I learned up to that point, and one of the most important lessons I ever could possibly learn.

Belief is a half-step toward insanity.

I hereby present the first Peter's Choice Award to John A. Keel.